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© 2000-2003 John Achor
This is a slightly shorter version of the original. I had to trim it for contest purposes. As you read it, keep in mind that Jake could live anywhere from West Virginia to the Ozarks. The first time I presented this essay, one feller was a native Arkansan and a twin. The reason for his anger will become evident. My friend missed the point. Jake is so honest and naive, he doesn't know you shouldn't tell the truth.
Most annual letters come off looking like the Von Trapp family on steroids where nearly everyone is a nuclear physicist or rocket scientist. I wasn't poking fun at hillbillies.
At the risk of incurring the wrath of another group, I was poking fun at the annual letter writers. But I guess if you are an Arky - or a twin - or an annual letter writer - perhaps you should skip my essay on:
The Annual Holiday Letter
Ah, ummmm,
Thunk, thunk ...
I guess this here microphone's a workin' -- that little red re-cord light is a winkin' on and off ...
Well, here goes--ummmmm, ahhhh. This here is Jake and Mandy Lou comin' ta ya live on tape with that annual letter about our family that you've come to expect and look forward to over the years.
Yep, it's a mite late -- as you can ass ertain from cas ette label that says: February.
Since I total missed the one you expected in December and a couple of others before, I decided on this here audible version. You got any idee how long it takes to make a hundert and sixteen copies of a tape?
Gotta tell ya that the cost of them stamps is a takin' a real bite outta my shorts.
Oh, well ... I'll bring y'all up to date on the family's doin's.
Last year Mandy Lou had us a new baby. She was a preemie, born't near six months early. 'Spose it was that homecomin' that got Mandy Lou in a family way. Musta been 'cause I done spent the previous hunert and twenty days as a guest of the county over t' county seat.
That baby sure was big for preemie -- near fourteen pounds. Lord-a-Mighty, if Mandy Lou'd gone full term, that kid mighta' stood up and walked out on her own. Then I come up with a name. Ya know like Jake Junior honors me; I decided to honor Mandy Lou. Named our daughter, Mandy Lou Junior.
Oh, well ... How 'bout news of our other young uns.
Our oldest boy, Jake Junior done us proud. Graduated from that juv-nile center over t' county seat. When he was released, I heard one of them guards say, "That boy's gene pool was only 'bout ankle deep." He musta been referrin' to some kinda wading pool, an' a good thing anyway. 'Cause that boy of ours never did learn ta swim.
Oh, well ... here's some news 'bout the twins.
Talkin' 'bout graduatin' -- them twins did it too. We're mighty proud that they graduated. Apparently with honors. At the graduation, I overhear their kinder-GARten teacher say she figured that two years of kinder-GARten was aplenty. An' she was honored to see them kids move on to the first grade. She said that word "honored" kinda funny like. Figured the twins was gettin' some sorta honorary dee-gree.
So I found that lady who'd be a teachin' them in the first grade to see how excited she was. She says that she'd be honored to teach them, but she's a movin' to the next county.
Oh, well ...
Guess that 'bout brings ever one up to date on what's been happenin' round here in Punkin Holler.
Till next year then, this is Jake a signin' off for Mandy Lou, Jake Junior, the twins, and Mandy Lou Junior. See y'all next Christmas. Gosh, I'd better get a movin'. This bein' February, that only gives me eight months till December.
So long fer now.
